Friday, December 16, 2011

Epipheany in Suburbia

When I leave Vegas to come back to Washington state, what I am really doing is re-entering my old life. For those of you who know me at length, you know this is hard for me. It is like trying to put an oval peg into a round hole - doesn't quite fit perfectly (if at all!). As I have grown increasingly self-reflexive this year, I have questioned things about myself such as gender roles and my religious/irreligious faith, but it wasn't until an unplanned T-ball game in the rain with my best friend's child that I had a major break through about the factors that influenced how I arrived at who I am.

It is about 11:30 AM, and I am sitting behind the fence on this cold and rainy day wishing I had remembered to pack warm clothing.  I am watching some of these children trying to pick up bats while others let baseballs roll through their unsuspecting legs.  Moms are in a miniature dugouts while dads are on the fields trying to coach the kids. And lets talk about the dads. There are no middle-aged, over-weight, balding men. Nope. They seem to be handsome, athletically-fit, patient men.  Immediately, my skin begins to crawl, but why? Why had I rejected this life?  Why does the thought of remaining a perpetually single urbanite seem that much more appealing that this?  And then I realized why.

It wasn't that I immediately rejected this life. It was that this life rejected me. Where was my good-looking, Nordstrom-clad husband?  Where was my king crab? Oh, I had a husband in this life but one that I selected based on wanting to fit in with my Christian friends; one who lied directly to my face to get me down to the alter.  He was imitation crab when I wanted to real thing.  But the real thing I never got. There would not be weekend shopping trips to REI or someone bringing me Starbucks in bed. There would not be play-dates, piano lessons, or girl scout meetings to attend.  There was no family to pray with and no partner to help with the dishes. These metro-sexual, Chi-using, well-dressed, good-smelling, professional men didn't want me.  So I decided to reject the rejectors.

I rejected the idea of traditional marriage; the one where my husband is first in command. I rejected motherhood; men can walk away unscathed - well, watch me do it.  I rejected traditional gender norms and fundamental Christian family beliefs.  And when I decided to allow myself to transgress these norms - I finally got to know who I am.   I am a strong, independent woman.  I am a learner. I am someone who is comfortable living outside of the box, on the peripheral from most of my friends.  I am someone who makes my own path.  I am someone who has been rejected by people who I make uncomfortable. Do the things I accomplish remind you of the life you wanted but didn't have the guts to have. I think it does. Easier to push me away then take responsibility for yourself.

I love who I am. It took awhile to get here, and either you love me or you leave. There is no third direction. I had faith in God for this lifestyle I so desperately wanted. God and suburbia decided I wasn't worthy of this life. But some of my friends say "Keep your faith in God. He will provide." Ha. Faith in God, no. Faith in myself, yes. I have provided for me. I have given myself the life I love. My fate is going to be produced by my work not God's flippant will.  Those who rejected me, those who saw an old friend as God's best for their lives and didn't give me a second glance - THANK YOU. You did me a favor. Those of you who will never read this but might hear about it through the grapevine - the same ones that are "relieved and happy" to have been deleted from my life - Thank you for the rejection. It has made me who I am today - one smart, driven, kick-ass girl. In the end, I wouldn't change a thing. I get to do what I love every single day. How many of you can say the same thing?

No comments:

Post a Comment